I'm home for a short break and my joy of coming home is directly proportional to the time I anticipate to get back home. Once I step into my room, its back to the abyss. I have nothing to do apart from staring at my laptop and sulking the entire day. This morning I was catching up with quite a few long lost friends from school. There used to be a time when we'd eagerly await for our group chats, make plans for a reunion or just meet up and then drift away into our daily lives. Most of them make an effort to meet up and I was invited a couple of times too. But, I'm too wrapped in my comfort zone and apprehensive about starting all over again. Its been really really long and I can be an absolute bore in a social gathering. I can't even pretend that I'm enjoying without making a sullen face.
A few days back I was texting a friend who was totally sloshed. "You have so many friends" was one of the texts he sent. I didn't have the heart to argue or make my point clear. FB friendlists and people who pretend like they care or knowing people is not a measure of 'social quotient'. I can vouch for myself, there is nobody who knows the real me. Maybe one or two have come closest to knowing my deep dark shades of grey but I can never really bare myself to them. Obviously, this danger in trust holds me back. All my life, I've been painting different shades of me with the people I associate with. The black and white canvas that my life had been in the beginning has been filled in.
 We meet people at different walks of life, make our best and worst memories with them and move on. There is no place for false promises of being there forever. As a stupid young adult, I used to blabber pointless reassurances like these for everyone I thought who mattered. But, no longer. I can't be sure if I'll always be there. There might be times when I'm a real coward to take a bold step to support them, there may be times when we may fall out of love with people who matter, there may be times when I won't be the person to count upon. And these proclamations of lifetime friendship only devalues what we share at the moment.
All I want to do is be sincere in any sort of bond I share with people. Betrayals and backbiting are inevitable. But when you don't give a chance for that, maybe we can paint a rosier picture. These lessons came the hard way. I conveniently forgot the deep regret and hurt I experienced back then. And like a tetanus booster doze in a 5 year interval, it took another shot in the heartstrings to handcuff myself from further trouble.