I'm back to this space again, at this ungodly hour as sleep eludes me and I have landed myself in another bed of thorns.
I feel like kicking myself for saying this," Don't waste your time on me. I don't deserve it". Which fool on earth would say that to someone who has put up through all the non sense she could blabber. Arghhhh
It all started with a question on the existence of this blog and I managed to dig my own grave. I feel even more worse now.

This has been probably the worst weekend I ever had. All my buddies have gone home and I find myself escaping to the virtual world to kill time and loneliness. But it has gone beyond that too. The one I wanted to talk to- the only one I talk to these days was not available/ didn't respond and I kinda snapped at that. Its this state of vulnerability in loneliness that I'm scared of.

A day in the life

I'm back in the mountain pond. The place I'm stuck for almost a year. My third night this week in the cradle of Indian Railways. I just don't have any energy left to shuttle.
The journey back was as uneventful. I had to fight with a khadoos auntie and a ma ka laadla for my berth. As it is, avoiding the stares of people who can't digest a single woman travelling alone is torture enough, having to create a scene for your berth is final nail in the coffin.
Morning I woke up to the lovely sight misty fields at daybreak. The thrill ride from station to hostel with the wind blowing against my face was the perfect start for what would have been a tiresome day at work.
I crashed as soon as I entered my room and woke up to see my lovely lady clad in Set Mundu. The festive mood is on and the entire world and their mothers were clad in Sett Mundu today. I was amazed to see, how sexy, normal looking people turn out to be in this outfit. Teacher, Roomie, the teenager at bank all looked so pretty.
 I was relieved to find the moron was on leave. Saved me from half the trouble the entire day. Discussions on Onam celebrations were on, but I don't know how far is it gonna materialize.
Back to hostel and back with the singleton club. We were spying on M's new catch who's gonna come for bride seeing this weekend. The guy has a 10 yr old brother. Funny! We laughed our guts out again at the state of affairs in matrimonial market.
We were having a discussion on what should a man look like and I was carried away again by Tuscy boy's pics. I haven't found a guy that hot in recent times. He's my teenage crush in adulthood.
After a long time, A baby pinged asking me why I'm not dead yet. As much as I replied in its jest, it never felt the same to have a chit chat with him. Some bonds are irreparably broken.
And while some are broken, I'm trying to hold on to a few tightly. To never let them go. There's no guarantee for that... but its not easy to let go either!

I'm home for a short break and my joy of coming home is directly proportional to the time I anticipate to get back home. Once I step into my room, its back to the abyss. I have nothing to do apart from staring at my laptop and sulking the entire day. This morning I was catching up with quite a few long lost friends from school. There used to be a time when we'd eagerly await for our group chats, make plans for a reunion or just meet up and then drift away into our daily lives. Most of them make an effort to meet up and I was invited a couple of times too. But, I'm too wrapped in my comfort zone and apprehensive about starting all over again. Its been really really long and I can be an absolute bore in a social gathering. I can't even pretend that I'm enjoying without making a sullen face.
A few days back I was texting a friend who was totally sloshed. "You have so many friends" was one of the texts he sent. I didn't have the heart to argue or make my point clear. FB friendlists and people who pretend like they care or knowing people is not a measure of 'social quotient'. I can vouch for myself, there is nobody who knows the real me. Maybe one or two have come closest to knowing my deep dark shades of grey but I can never really bare myself to them. Obviously, this danger in trust holds me back. All my life, I've been painting different shades of me with the people I associate with. The black and white canvas that my life had been in the beginning has been filled in.
 We meet people at different walks of life, make our best and worst memories with them and move on. There is no place for false promises of being there forever. As a stupid young adult, I used to blabber pointless reassurances like these for everyone I thought who mattered. But, no longer. I can't be sure if I'll always be there. There might be times when I'm a real coward to take a bold step to support them, there may be times when we may fall out of love with people who matter, there may be times when I won't be the person to count upon. And these proclamations of lifetime friendship only devalues what we share at the moment.
All I want to do is be sincere in any sort of bond I share with people. Betrayals and backbiting are inevitable. But when you don't give a chance for that, maybe we can paint a rosier picture. These lessons came the hard way. I conveniently forgot the deep regret and hurt I experienced back then. And like a tetanus booster doze in a 5 year interval, it took another shot in the heartstrings to handcuff myself from further trouble. 

Mental Virginity

Why is it so difficult to understand people or what runs in their minds? As much as I was befuddled with the I am what you think I am theories, the past few incidents have left me wondering, why did this happen?
In a pretentious society like ours with very misconstrued views on morality, the compulsion to be the prim and proper, chaste malayali penkutty so that she can get a good husband is getting onto my nerves every single day.
A few weeks ago, I had a major fallout with people who I once considered friends for a lifetime. After my return from the city I loved to hate once upon a time, these were the first friends I made in my age group. But, I was ignorant about the mindset of these people. I left Mallu land at a time when even smiling at a guy sent the wrong signals. I hoped things had changed 6 years later. For all the social progress we claim to have made, the events of the recent few weeks make me wonder will people ever change these beliefs they've been fed on?
I thought I was good friends with a couple of people that too guys. One turns out to be my evil twin in laziness and craziness, conversation with the other is a laughter riot, the third was an only child like me ( a spoilt one at that) and the fourth was one who gave me mixed signals all the time. And then the roomie, the pretty face who once again reinstated my belief twenty something females come with a label 'handle with care'. We had our good times and then I found myself wanting to get out of this bond which was becoming more of a bondage.
I was becoming answerable to the people in question. I couldn't figure out how I was being judged. And I was not immune to my own stupidities.
Story of a lost love, lost dreams and greatness was conveniently sold and I was being a friend. In what started off as time pass flirting, I found myself losing all the sensibilities I was proud to possess in the landmine years of an adolescent life. I was being plain stupid and I haven't forgiven myself for that. It took some time to learn the hard lessons. When this madness called infatuation/attraction/ desperation whatever it is termed as engulfs you, a rebel awakens with you. You pretend that you don't give a damn about what others think. But sometimes, its necessary to hold your reins. How could I think I could be friends or maybe even more with a person who I got turned off at first sight. I hated everything about him and his attitude and still, I found myself eagerly waiting for his texts, calls.
Everybody has attraction,  desire and passion deep rooted in them.  We manage to keep the pretension of morality and values and control these feelings that threaten the bearings of every relationship we share with another person. I was confused. It couldn't be attraction, he has the kind of looks I despise in a man. It couldn't be his character which is so bossy, arrogant and dominating. The reason I hated him at our first meeting. Yet, we started saying things we never meant. He started becoming a way out of my loneliness. Such A BITCH, this loneliness can be. At the same time, I was constantly in fear of falling for him when I kept telling myself I could never be with a person like that.I thought since, it was as meaningless putting an end to it would be so easy and it turned out to be so. The world didn't come crashing down as I feared when I decided to call it quits. I'm glad I didn't lose my heart or give a chance for it to be broken. In a way I felt relieved when I decided to put an end to the flirtatious messages. Turns out, our friendship ends. Thrice, I deliberately put a stop and he came up saying 'how bad it felt'. Was it meant to be that way? I don't know. Was I wrong and stepping into something that never should have had happened. I'm trying to figure out.
But, I'm sure of one thing. I'm never going to say things that I don't mean anymore to anyone. The emotionally cut off super cool gal image has no place in a narrow minded society like this. And neither am I immune to the wisdom this society professes.
But, cleaning up the baggage from your mind is necessary. My conscience keeper is busy these days and I had to flush it out of the system here.

My country celebrated its 66th Independence Day yesterday. Here I am, a 25 year old woman, the child of the liberalization era who was made to believe, there is nothing stopping me in the pursuit of my dreams. The dreams kept changing, the ideologies started conflicting and now I feel trapped.

Step into your Twenties and everybody who matters in your life start treating you like a time bomb ticking. The perceived inevitable need to see you hitched, the questions, the whole matrimonial circus...there are days which make you feel like a sore loser for not managing to steal a man's heart or giving away yours to someone. I can't even convince the parents that I'm not ready to let someone into my life for a lifetime just coz it is the right thing to do at this age. Its just brushed off as immaturity.

The drama begins with your online matrimonial profiles. My parents burn up what is left of their monthly in this useless pursuit. The Beauty gods haven't been that kind on me, which means a good pic takes one in a million. Right now, the parents have just one convincing reason. My photos aren't any good at all.

Imagine a conversation with the mother !
"You look like a Negro".
"You do whatever you like with your hair, you look ugly"
"You look so dark"
"Don't think you are Aishwarya Rai and that you'll get married to someone like Shah Rukh Khan"
For all the sensibilities and worldly outlook they taught me in the past 24 years of my life, this was too much to take in. There are numerous ways to bruise an ego, but smashing someone's self confidence based on looks is a very mean thing to do. As much as your progeny is programmed to love you unconditionally, taking advantage of the emotional aspects in a relationship hurts.